spit up and shut down

Gone Fishin'

2008-04-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

We're over here now.

st. o'bama?

2008-03-17T21:29:00.001-07:00

tres anos

2008-03-12T21:22:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday, Little Man! May all your Thomas dreams come true.

yes he can!

2008-03-05T14:27:00.000-08:00

Regardless of last night's shellacking, I still plan on renaming my fantasy baseball team this season to the Barrack Obombers. Yes I can!

barack the builder: yes we can!

2008-02-14T07:57:00.001-08:00

As I've mentioned before, the boys and I like to waste our time studying U.S. Presidents. So when the oldest took up screaming Democratic hopeful, Barack Obama's, slogan around the house I wrote it off as some sort of zeitgeistic osmosis. That was until we watched his favorite cartoon this morning. Looks like even Bob the Builder has jumped onto the Obama bandwagon. I don't blame him, seeing how the alternative is clearly so lacking in the catchy department.

the little man blues

2008-02-12T09:06:00.001-08:00

I hope daddy's less grumpy now that the strike is over....

super tuesday

2008-02-05T09:16:00.001-08:00

Today the world will discover what one man's talents and optimism can do to enliven the passions of a new generation of young enthusiastic followers!

UPDATE: 24 and 12 every night should do the trick.

ole can you see!

2008-01-29T20:20:00.000-08:00

Kid doesn't turn three for another month, but he can already name more U.S. Presidents than you and I combined. Tonight he successfully recited the first fifteen in order. And since he can't yet read, I'm guessing he's memorized (we use flashcards) them by their portraits. Which is even more impressive considering the vast majority of them are pale bearded white guys. James Knox Polk is his current favorite. And William Henry Harrison was the easiest for him to remember, since he shares names with his favorite train. I have to admit that before our lessons began I could not name more than the first five in order. And now, shit, I must know at least seven or eight. Wait, who comes after Andrew Jackson?

brother-in-laws' revenge

2008-01-23T07:52:00.000-08:00

Despite the dentist's failure to adequately numb the right side of my mouth, my wisdom teeth were exhumed without much complication. Twenty-four hours later, the swelling has subsided and the horror of feeling my teeth being torn from my gums nearly erased from my hard-drive. That said, the experience left me with the uneasy suspicion that my brother-in-laws, still bitter from a weekend of losing wagers, might have enticed ($$$$) the dentist to inflict such pain. Especially after those gloating messages I sent via electronic transmission. So I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to my kin through marriage. Should I take additional funds from your bank accounts Super Bowl Sunday, I promise to do so with the respect and dignity a bunch of bush-league betters like yourselves deserve.

a not so wise man once said...

2008-01-21T08:40:00.000-08:00

There's nothing wise about waiting until your thirty-five to get your wisdom teeth pulled.

a big wet nose

2008-01-18T07:30:00.000-08:00

Back in high school, when I wore braces, I'd sit in the orthodontist's chair, stare up at the cuddly kitten posters tacked up onto the cork board ceiling, and think to myself - what kind of cheese dick do you have to be to hang this shit up on your walls? Damn!

xi, za, zox

2008-01-16T19:44:00.001-08:00

The Lord giveth and then the Lord taketh away. Without you, dear Scrabulous, I'd hardly believe that xi, za, and zox were all legitimate (and high scoring) words.

the wounded warrior

2008-01-10T19:27:00.001-08:00

And I thought it would make him look tougher. What do I know?!

rocco and his brother

2008-01-09T19:09:00.000-08:00

You thought the tigers at the Zoo were scary, watch out for those iron cast picnic benches! Five stitches later, the Little Man was left wondering what he did to deserve such a nasty blow from such an unassuming inanimate object. Cut me, Mick!

what a mess

2008-01-03T08:50:00.001-08:00

Dried candle wax covers the mantle, bits of wrapping paper still hidden under the coffee table, teeth stained blue from a constant barrage of wine consumption, and our poor boys - after week upon week of being showered with gifts - left numb from pleasure. Like a twister in a trailer park, the holidays shook us off our blocks and left our household in shambles.

absolutely scrabulous

2007-12-20T00:03:00.000-08:00

I haven't shot heroin or freebased rock cocaine, but I have to imagine that Scrabulous is damn near top the list of addictive pursuits. Worse, it's now on Facebook. So not only can you waste your life away playing online Scrabble, you can now waste your friends' lives away as well.

sees the day

2007-12-16T11:14:00.001-08:00

She's alive, I'll start with that. Although, I almost killed her myself! Sometime during the Mrs' office Christmas Party, Ethel ate an entire pound of assorted See's Candy. For those of you who don't know, chocolate is deadly to dogs even in small quantities. Let alone an entire pound of the delicious treats. The vet told us to observe her overnight, but beside the occasional burp and moan she survived the incident without incident. Bad Girl!

eight grueling days

2007-12-06T08:31:00.000-08:00

While I make no claims of religious superiority, I will say that showering one's toddlers with eight days of gifts takes much more coordination and stamina than merely piling them under the ol' hot-wired Tannenbaum for one morning of spectacle and splendor.

groovy kind of hanukkah

2007-12-05T07:48:00.001-08:00

Nothing says I'm the Jewish child of former free-loving, Noam Chomsky reading, brick-n- board bookcase decorating, parents like that this bad boy. All the leaves are brown!

dante's half priced inferno

2007-12-03T20:56:00.000-08:00

Like Nick Carraway - the narrator of the book I was assigned to read in high school, but am just getting around to - I've made a habit of reserving judgment on those "who haven't had the advantages I've had." That said, steer clear of the embedded McDonald's inside the Tustin Walmart. It's a humid purgatory of trans fat, disease and alarmingly low aptitude. And while I'm certain I could have saved half a dozen dollars buying potato peelers for the impending Hanukkah shin-dig from Walmart, I wasn't going to survive another moment below its flickering fluorescent bulbed ceiling. Instead, I hauled the boys next door to World Market for an overpriced stainless steel jobber with a nifty handle. Add it's ground zero for the modern plague to the list of excuses to avoid Satan's wholesaler.

brawling on the inside

2007-11-30T10:53:00.000-08:00

The nice part about living in a drought is that your children rarely have to stay indoors. Today the boys are experiencing their first rainy day since we moved here. The brawling commenced sometime shortly after breakfast, over who got to play the low-side of the piano, and doesn't look to pass until Mommy gets home from work. Something expensive is bound to be broken.

divine manifestation

2007-11-21T08:03:00.001-08:00

How do I know there is a G-d? Because only The Almighty could schedule a USC Game to begin right after the meal ends and just before the pie is served.

Oh, and, thanks to all of you who frequent spit up and shutdown. Except for those of you who steal my photos to exaggerate your alarmist news headlines of youth locked in cages on your Russian news aggregate websites (picture removed). And special thanks out to the Mrs who not only womb'd me two outstanding looking youth, but for her ability to write poignant yet succinct cease and desist letters.

May your turkeys be as juicy as the Kleenex is after we wipe our boys's runny noses!

rat droppings

2007-11-20T13:44:00.000-08:00

There isn't enough hand sanitizer in the world not to feel defiled by germs when you leave Chuck E. Cheese. I don't know why it surprises me that a place which chose a rat as a mascot could make you feel so uncomfortable, but I couldn't cash in our tickets and collect our spider ring prizes fast enough. Now I know why I haven't been inside one of these petri dishes since my eleventh birthday.

early morning reflection

2007-11-17T06:18:00.000-08:00

When I look back at the blur which was my twenties, I'm left to ponder why I didn't write better poetry or take more care of my teeth.

top five accessories of the stay-at-home dad

2007-11-15T16:58:00.000-08:00

#5. Digital Camera - This is your alibi. Visual evidence you can provide for the Mrs, should she accuse you of sitting around watching Sportscenter reruns all day. And as it turns out, if you get any good at taking pictures, the photos themselves actually make for lovely home decorations and candid reminders of how delightful your kids were before they started beating each other with whiffle ball bats.

#4. iPhone - Most stay-at-home dads I know are ambitious. They're home because they want to be screenwriters, sculptures, rock-n-rollers, but aren't making any scratch at it...yet. And any stay-at-home dad worth his weight in fruit roll-ups knows that staying indoors with the kids all day is suicide. You have to get out and run those monsters wild. So the only way to keep up with your contacts and peers, even when you're riding the ferris wheel, is to stay connected. I know what you're thinking. I can stay perfectly connected with my Blackberry. Yeah, except the iPhone can play movies. I don't know about you, but I've never stopped a tantrum with a fun game of phone Tetris. I have however talked a raging two-year-old down from the ledge with a hypnotic 2x3 inch screening of The Incredibles.

#3. Backpack (preferably black) - Carrying around that three hundred dollar Petunia Pickle Bottom diaper bag your wife got for her shower gets old real quick. And clearly is sending out the wrong message. You're telling the strangers you come across that this is an occasional occurrence, that you're giving the old lady a little break while she's getting her nails done. To be honest, it took me nearly a year to figure this one out. You wouldn't play golf with your wife's bag, would you? I must have heard "your wife sure has her hands full" twice a week as I chased the boys around the mall and the train station. That was until I started carrying a bag of my own. Haven't heard that shit since.

#2. Thomas the Train Activities Table - My buddy and I were on our fourth round of Ketel One tonics one night, when he asked with all sincerity - "dude, what do you when you have to take a dump? What do you do with the boys?" Need to drop the kids off at the pool? Make the bed? Wash the dishes before the Mrs returns home from work? This beauty is just as effective as plopping them in front of the TV, but without all the guilt. They're using their imaginations, they're learning to share and fine tune their motor skills, all from the comfort of their bedrooms (or in our case, my office).

#1. An Assortment of Ironic T-Shirts - Dude, you're that guy! It's time for you to own it. Ironic T's are the equivalent of the stay-at-home mom's good pair of jeans. I can't tell you how many stay-at-home mommies I see rocking $250 pairs of designer jeans....in July....at the zoo. Why? Because they take yoga and spin classes and want everyone to know, that although they've let their careers go to shit, they haven't let their asses!

Sorry, I digress. Anyhow, like I was saying, a wide arrangement of goofy T's, whether they be vintage, or reissued "Space Camp '83" doozies is a must. The great thing about these shirts is that you can really let yourself go. You can stop shaving, combing your hair, you can even wear those old jeans that your balls poke out of when you bend over, and no one will look at you sideways. Even grandmas can't help but laugh as you pass them in your Stay-at-home Rad! shirt.

he is there

2007-11-14T09:12:00.000-08:00

I was surprised to find among the thirty-seven mostly fantastic Dylan covers on the I'm Not There Soundtrack a song sung by Thelonious Monster front man, Bob Forrest. He's always been a rocker's rocker, so I'm guessing one of his famous friends lobbied for him to be on this who's who tribute album. That said, Moonshiner is one of a handful of standout tracks. I hope this is a sign that we will hear more from him in the near future.

Bob Forrest – Moonshiner

ain't no potty like a west coast potty

2007-11-13T08:44:00.000-08:00

Raise your hand if you took your first man-dump on the big boy throne last night! One trained, one to go. Everybody do the potty dance. Choo-Choo!!

It Takes Two, Rob Base & DJ EZ...[mp3]

why i went to film school

2007-11-12T00:44:00.000-08:00

No, seriously, it was this dude. The Mrs and I'd spent nearly a year following him around our hometown of Seal Beach, filming his antics, bailing him out of jail, when I realized that harnessing my imagination into well-crafted screenplays would be much healthier (and definitely safer!) than making a documentary about Phil Parks. He's not a member of any union I know of, and surely not the Writers Guild. He is however certifiably gifted when it comes to getting himself on camera.

4 out of 5 bourgeois dads

2007-11-10T08:54:00.000-08:00

4 out of 5 bourgy dads recommend Band of Horses new album, Cease to Begin. With hints of blackberry, smoked game and subtle wafts of Brian Wilson's hoodie, this album deserves a spot in your SUV disc changer. Slot number four is where it calls home in our Expedition; no doubt for a long time to come. The video above - Funeral - is from their 2006 album, Everything All the Time, which is also a superb pick-up.

its not the iPod...

2007-11-09T00:33:00.000-08:00

Seriously, you don't make two babies in two years without a little Boz Scaggs in your playlist. Having fertility issues? Come to papa.

Boz Scaggs, Lowdown [mp3]

totally spun

2007-11-08T00:41:00.000-08:00

I've done my fair share of dumb shit. Buying drugs from Bedouins in Egypt comes to mind. Or not shaving that ridiculous flavor-saver off my face before taking my drivers license photo (which continues to haunt my wallet). And I can't forget commandeering that Zodiac around the Seal Beach pier at three in the morning after a night drinking on Main Street along with six of my closest friends (thanks Tyler for saving our lives!). But taking the 9:15 spin class at LA Fitness this morning tops the list. What in G-d's name was I thinking?! I haven't been on anything other than a beach cruiser since I sold the GT Performer I got with my bar mitzvah royalties back in '85.

About fifteen minutes into the class, right about the same time I became convinced I was going to barf-up the instant oatmeal and coffee I'd just consumed, the instructor informed us that the warm up was over and the real workout was about to start. Seriously, I'll be lucky if I ever walk again.

on the topic of daylight savings

2007-11-07T00:42:00.000-08:00

Turns out the children and dogs have little respect for the time change and now expect to be fed, napped, bathed and walked an hour earlier. I'm all for early to bed, but five a.m. milk bottles and trots around the block is just plain ridiculous. Christ, it's still dark out!

dude, what up with the strike?

2007-11-06T11:34:00.000-08:00

I am not a member of the Writers Guild. That said, all the film and television projects I've been developing at production companies with studio deals would be considered guild signatory endeavors. This means that if any of those stories were to be "greenlit", or the script I was commissioned to write last year went into production, I would qualify for guild membership. So it is clearly not in my best interest (should I ever want to join said union) to do any development with these companies until after the strike. What's even more frustrating is that if the strike lasts for any length of time, those creative executives I've been working with (as their mere job is to meet with writers every day), will no doubt lose their positions and the projects we spent months and sometimes years fine tuning will be left to orbit the ether like freezer packed bags of astronaut shit.

So what are the writers striking for? I think Howie here (former head of the USC Screenwriting Program) spells it out quite eloquently. In fact, there's not one single mention of astronaut feces.

completely ashamed

2007-11-04T18:20:00.001-08:00

I just gobbled a handful of Tylenol Arthritis to compensate for the pain I'm experiencing from an evening of Wii bowling followed by a morning of Pump It Up bouncy-house high jinks.

twice as cute in person

2007-10-31T21:37:00.001-07:00

The only bummer was that his little mouse gloves made it impossible for him to open any of his candy. Not that he has any teeth left to chew it.

wrestling big tires

2007-10-30T08:02:00.000-07:00

After spending a week indoors, I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that the boys and dogs have been experiencing complications - tantrums, digging holes in the backyard, shitting on the Persian rug and eating mommy's new (overpriced) quilt. Thankfully, the air quality has improved and yesterday we were able to walk the dogs and head over to the zoo to wrestle some big tires.

dental damned

2007-10-25T17:23:00.000-07:00

Guess who had first ("non-emergency") visit to the dentist today? The little guy was initially apprehensive, but overall it was a pain free experience.

in our thoughts

2007-10-23T07:46:00.001-07:00

Thoughts and prayers out to our friends and family whose lives have been uplifted by these A-hole fires! Let us know how we can help.

the toughest toddler in town

2007-10-19T08:01:00.000-07:00

Not a bad looking smile for a kid who fell off the swings so hard his two-front-teeth were jammed up into his gums and had to be removed (without sedation, mind you) with a pair of pediatric dental pliers. No, seriously. This shot was taken about two hours after his surgery. Fortunately, they'll be replaced with permanent teeth.....when he's seven. Doh!

We're scoring this one a 9+ on the stay-at-home daddy guilt meter. I'll admit that it was more accident than negligence, but it stings O'mighty that it went down on my watch. Don't be surprised if the next time you see the boys they're wearing football helmets, shoulder pads and mouth guards.

pumpkin patch kids

2007-10-11T10:50:00.001-07:00

I will tell you that the pumpkin patches in our surrounding area are world class and offer young toddlers a grand F'ing time!

costume de thomas

2007-10-10T08:37:00.001-07:00

I knew I should have bought two of these suits, because the odds of it still being in one piece on Halloween are slim and none. Especially if he's going to sleep in it at night.

Auld Lang Sigh

2007-09-13T13:35:00.001-07:00

All you need to know about the flu that went through our house like a twister in a trailer park this past week, is that we blew through an entire CostCo case of toilet paper (24 rolls) and on Thursday - the dog got so revolted by the Little Man barfing all over the floors and the walls, she threw up right beside him. That said, we're on the mend, we're headed back to CostCo this weekend, and there's a New Year to be celebrated. Mazel, bitches!

sweet sucker

2007-08-27T15:39:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I'd lost all inspiration to blog, I discovered that our overpriced, Euro-chic vacuum works on the kitchen floor like a fucking charm! There is a G-d.

the boys of summer

2007-08-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

fred & ethel

2007-08-07T11:11:00.001-07:00

Say hello to Fred's new bitch, Ethel. I can now confirm what most of you were likely thinking when I told you we were getting a St. Bernard - the poop needs it's own zip code. Seriously, I can't use plastic grocery store bags anymore. I have to use the big laminated Target sized bags... and an army shovel.

zeebro

2007-08-02T08:49:00.000-07:00

Toss the kids in the van, grab a bag of oranges on the way off the freeway, and get yourself to the Noah's Ark Exhibit at the Skirball Museum. That place kicks ass!

iRude

2007-07-19T16:24:00.000-07:00

It's official. There's a whole new technologically savvy form of rudeness (aka iRudeness) out there and I'm pretty sure I was the first one to display it publicly. Yesterday I got a call on my iPhone in the middle of running on the treadmill and answered it. I could have just hit the top button twice and it would have turned the music and phone off, but I totally panicked and answered the call. I tried to convince the fat lady sweating next to me that I was a doctor, but after she caught sight of my 'Go Fuck Yourself' shirt, written sideways to make it look like it was scribed in Hebrew, I don't think she bought it. So now I'm that guy.

double a-hole

2007-07-17T16:07:00.000-07:00

For those of you considering a career in stay-at-home fatherhood, I suggest you start stockpiling the batteries now. I've got a CostCo card and everything, but I still always end up with one less double-A than I need. Ratfarts!

Note: I realize that the above picture has nothing to do with batteries, but I thought the shot of my son getting jacked by a sheep was just too funny not to share with you first chance I got.

iVacuum

2007-07-12T07:54:00.000-07:00

Seriously, it's not just an overpriced vacuum. It's a lifestyle adjuster. I pity the fool who isn't using a ("Certified asthmatic friendly") Dyson!

stars and stripes

2007-07-07T21:28:00.001-07:00

we all celebrate in our own special way.

i'm no psychic...

2007-06-28T10:30:00.001-07:00

...but I predict there will be no less than a dozen LA Daddies playing with their new iPhones during Saturday's matinee of Ratatouille. And if I didn't have a conference call Friday afternoon, I'd probably be one of them. We are as predictable as the fluorescent Crocs on our toddlers feet.

the times they are a changing

2007-06-27T07:46:00.001-07:00

Big Boy upgraded his operating system to include walking last night, and is now fully operational. Duh-oh!

look! up in the sky! it's a....Mexican day worker?

2007-06-23T08:37:00.001-07:00

I just looked out my office window to see what all the ruckus was about, and saw this dude (easily four stories high) hanging from a tree with his chainsaw. Fortunately, his ladder is balancing on the A-frame-roof of our neighbor's home....so there shouldn't be anything to worry about. Don't think the guy didn't stop for five to take a smoke break up there, too. I can't imagine when he jumped into our neighbor's truck at the local Home Depot this morning, this is the task he expected he'd be hired to perform. Either way, this hombre deserves a raise. I don't care what they're paying him!

it's the truth, dog

2007-06-21T20:35:00.000-07:00

I'm writing full time. And I'm watching my kids full time. So I don't have much time to write (well) about writing and watching my kids full time. You dig? I'm not saying it's over, I've got some reinforcements with the children for the summer, but I'm having trouble being the prolific and irreverent meta-dad you all once knew.

the second's first

2007-06-06T20:11:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday, Numero Dos. May your appetite for life be as voracious as your hunger for Cheerios!

precious is...

2007-05-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

Precious is your two-year-old taking the DVD box of his favorite French film, 400 Blows, to bed with him at night. You know besides the gratuitous-adolescent-smoking, and the rampant corporal punishment displayed throughout the film, it's not that bad of a movie for kids to watch.

say hello to roy's video store's newest member

2007-05-20T08:14:00.000-07:00

The Mrs joined a video store this weekend. I'm not talking Blockbuster or some NetFlix Depot kind of thing you've never heard of, but an actual independent video store with an owner named Roy and a little shower curtain in the back so the perves can take their sweet-ass-time perusing the dirty movies in private. Granted, it's not taking a dozen sick 911 workers to Cuba for socialized medicine, but as far as acts of civil disobedience go I think this is pretty punk rock and testament to why I married the broad in the first place.

desert epiphany

2007-05-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

After spending a mere seven days under the desert sun, I can't help but wonder how our people survived that 40 year Exodus without cans of Tecate, key limes, and a big ol' Costco bottle of aloe vera. They must have been miserable!

Bob Marley, Exodus [mp3]

hola from vacation

2007-05-10T07:18:00.000-07:00

The desert is hot. The pool is cool. Not even a case of SPF 50 can keep our little midgets from getting sweet-ass tans. Nothing newsworthy to report, unless you consider us taking a rare leave from our compound fodder for headlines.

not today I'm not!

2007-05-03T10:35:00.000-07:00

Nothing says I'm not going to the gym today liked a busted iPod.

blessed be the sterile cheese graters

2007-04-27T12:34:00.000-07:00

I believe that there are two sorts of people in the world - those who merely rinse the cheese grater and throw it back in the drawer, and those of us who give it a good scrubbing before running it through the dishwasher for an extra cautious sterile rinse.

CLARIFICATION: Just because I trust our Wine Guy's valued opinion, and find it nearly impossible to say no to his predictably overpriced recommendations, doesn't mean that I have a crush on the man. Seriously, the guy knows his shit!

snotballs and baby phlegm chunks

2007-04-25T08:43:00.000-07:00

It's not that I don't like keeping y'all updated on a daily basis. It's just that I've been knee-deep in snot-balls and baby phlegm chunks for three weeks and counting. I was sitting in traffic yesterday, after a rare foray into Century City, when I looked over and saw a Dad typing away on his PowerMac inside a CoffeeBean, while his baby slept in the stroller by his side. It was a picture of bliss. And if it weren't for the camo capris, the obnoxious red Crocs he was wearing, and the marginally funny buddy-cop screenplay he couldn't help but giggle along with as he typed, I'm sure I would have of been real jealous of the guy. Nothing makes screenwriting dad more happy than a baby nap and some quality writing time.

do as baseball does

2007-04-18T21:51:00.000-07:00

Even Major League Baseball knows that when someone loses their mind and runs onto the field you turn the cameras away. They understand that if you give one crazy-A-hole camera time they'll all start jumping the fences. That said, I can't help but think that broadcasting Colonel Crazy's video manifesto on every cable outlet is a bad fricken idea. You with me on this one?

you say banana

2007-04-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

Anyone in dire need of a banana costume....or three?

how to spell success

2007-04-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

There's a Marines recruiting office next to the groomer where we take Fred. Yesterday I was picking her up when a newly buzzed recruit, typing out a text message, stopped me. "Hey, bro," he said, "how do you spell succeed?"
"S-U-C-C-E-E-D" I spelled out for him.
"Nah, really?!" He replied with a hint of skepticism.
"Seriously, dude."
He looked up from typing to give me and Fred, with her freshly blown coiffure and fancy bow, a look over. Something he saw must of have convinced him that I knew what I was talking about, because his next action was to type it out on his cell phone.

I can't help but imagine that this young man is going to find himself in Iraq sometime in the near future, determined to prove to whomever he was text messaging that he is brave and his decision to enlist in the Marines is testament to his character and will to s-u-c-c-e-e-d. Let's just pray he's a better soldier than speller!

the brothers conjunctive

2007-04-05T13:01:00.000-07:00

Took the Conjunctivitis Brothers down to the train station today. Figured there wasn't a germ that Petri dish hadn't seen. Unfortunately, I fell off the Passover wagon on the way over. And when I say fell, I really mean took a flying leap, as I returned to the sinful world of carbohydrate goodness with a couple slices of bacon, garlic, and basil pizza (BGBP). I'm guessing Moses and the gang didn't pass a takeout pizza joint on their way out of Egypt. Otherwise that shit would totally be on the list! Minus the bacon of course.

the wood toy in patient room #3

2007-04-04T15:22:00.000-07:00

Should you in the near future happen upon one of Southern California's most delightful beach towns (you know, the one that rhymes with Feel Leach), and while you're there find it necessary to visit said town's Urgent Care facility, I'm thinking it'd best if you avoid the wood toy in patient room #3 and/or the Eye Glass store (most especially any of the contemporary unisex frames that line their shelves) across the parking lot. Unless of course you're dying to be exposed to the mother of all pink eye strains. I'm just saying...

tired as dogs

2007-03-31T12:42:00.000-07:00

Was this not the longest week in the history of weeks? Man! If I weren't already committed to a fantasy baseball draft, two parties, a funeral, revising a two-page treatment and a quick trip over to Disneyland to ride the newly restored (now powered by eco-friendly bio-diesel) Disney Railroad, I'd be lying on the couch with a cool glass of lemonade. Maybe next weekend, huh?

tailgating for toddlers

2007-03-22T12:59:00.000-07:00

I knew I should have removed those two Coors Light 36 packs I'd purchased last night at Costco from the back of the Expedition. Instead, they escorted us to the Taco Bell Discovery Center this morning. I heard them jostling a bit on the way over, but nothing too alarming. Or so I thought. When I got there I opened the back door to pull the double-stroller out and proceeded to watch the beers file out of the box one by one like little exploding lemmings.

Explaining to the passing parents and parking lot attendants why the boys and I were surrounded by a dozen erupting Coors Light cans, at nine forty five in the morning no less, proved more difficult than I had anticipated. I jokingly told one of the mothers that we were celebrating USC making the Sweet Sixteen for only the second time in the last thirty years. "That's why they call it March Madness!" I screamed at her as she fled the scene. I'm taking from the fact that she immediately alerted security of our nefarious parking lot behavior that she's not a college basketball fan.

And to my fellow Fantasy Baseball draftees, um, yeah....we're going to be a few beers short next Saturday.

the lord's leftovers

2007-03-19T18:12:00.000-07:00

Why is it that my corned beef and cabbage comes out so mediocre, but the leftovers I make the Reubens with three days later taste like they were sliced in G-d's own delicatessen?

march madness

2007-03-15T09:17:00.000-07:00

Tournament Thursday is without question the second best reason to take a day off from work, right behind Opening Day of Baseball. Go Tigers!

24 months

2007-03-13T07:14:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, Number One Son. I remember your birth like it was a week ago Tuesday.

the week that...was?

2007-03-12T13:01:00.000-07:00

I remember getting the boys dressed to visit the zoo last Monday morning, but the rest of the week was a blur. Sure, there were moments of clarity - the kosher chili verde contest, waking up Saturday morning to a snow storm of ash, but I didn't really regain consciousness until somewhere around midnight last night when I finally pushed SEND on the rock-n-roll rewrite I'd been retooling since Labor Day. You know what they say, fifth draft is a charm. They say that, right? This week looks to be a much calmer and more memorable week highlighted by the Little Man's second birthday.

T.G.I.S.

2007-03-03T07:52:00.001-08:00

Shouldn't it be Thank G-d it's Saturday?! Or T.G.T.S. (Thank G-d Tomorrow's Saturday)? A second pot of coffee, a tour of Home Depot, maybe even a jaunt over to the zoo for a quick ride on the choo-choo. Seriously, the possibilities are endless.

do you know where your bananas are?

2007-03-02T14:05:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if they're still taking submissions, but I'd like to offer up 'a banana peel in every wastebasket' as a catchy new idiom for 2007. The definition is still a little vague, but I imagine it as one of those all-encompassing jargon[s] that speaks of frazzled parents and schizophrenics alike. Seriously, as I sit here writing to you, there are banana peels rotting away in each and every trashcan we own. Do I sound paranoid? Good, now you know how to use the phrase. Pass it on!

little man and the 863

2007-02-28T15:46:00.000-08:00

I would have never guessed that this is the expression one might wear while experiencing the warm fuzzies of Nirvana. Seriously, this brief encounter with the 863 and the wave he exchanged with the conductor was without question one of the happiest moments of his life thus far. Conversely, for his little brother and I it was just another confrontation with the steam powered, germ laden, petri dish which is mass transit. Alright, it's not a steam engine, but it's still filled with people who don't have the common decency to keep their flu germs inside their own gas guzzling cars.

the every boy

2007-02-27T19:41:00.000-08:00

Do yourself a favor and pick up a copy of The Every Boy by Dana Shapiro. Just out on paperback, it's now as cheap as it is entertaining!

snip and tuck

2007-02-23T08:12:00.000-08:00

If I told you once, I told you a million times -- Moses wasn't no dummy!

the year of the mariachi

2007-02-22T07:47:00.000-08:00

If the question is, "Did you attend a Korean-Peruvian-Japanese wedding on Chinese New Year complete with Kimchi and mariachis?" The answer is YES.

satan's sample rate

2007-02-15T21:06:00.000-08:00

As if the stomach flu and a bacterial infection weren't enough to hurt the Little Man's feelings, the audio settings on my laptop got F'd up, making it impossible to hear the Thomas the Train theme song (something we do, oh, fifty times a day). For the last week I've tried everything, but the sound refuses to work on any site. Which means no Thomas, no Bob (the Builder), no Elmo, no hilarious soundtrack to the dozen YouTube videos I got fw'd to me this week (dude, have you seen the bridal meltdown?). I'm sure if the Dude hadn't been so gravely dehydrated this week his tears would have shorted out my laptop.

After a couple days of googling for answers, downloading browser updates, uninstalling and re-installing plug-ins, I figured out the problem. Apparently, says Apple, "some audio applications may change your computer's audio settings to a sample rate that is too high for other applications to use..." Flash and YouTube can not run on anything over 44,000 Hz. Of course, how didn't I figure that out?! I don't know if this qualifies us for pain and suffering benefits, but if I ever figure out which audio application is responsible, let's just say, we're gonna have words it and I.

the flu of all evil

2007-02-13T11:19:00.000-08:00

The boys came down with the mother-of-all stomach flus Friday night. What followed was 72 hours of gut-wrenching, diaper blasting mayhem. Even the dog threw up a couple times, but that was probably just because I decided to re-seed the lawn and cover it with what I did not know was her favorite bedtime snack -- manure. At one point every T-shirt the Mrs owned was in the wash, being deloused of upchuck. I can handle the projectile vomit (sorta) and the shit-bombs, but the lack of sleep is going to be the death of me.

I think we got three consecutive hours last night and it was as if I'd been frozen in Carbonite on Jabba the Hut's wall for six months. I couldn't believe how rested I felt. In all this sleepless paranoia I keep imagining some mustached officer appearing from behind the washer machine and announcing that I've completed my initiation, that I've finally proved tough enough to become a Navy Seal. More likely I'm working off serious karmic baggage, some long forgotten "mentally challenged" individual I made fun of in high school under another less politically correct pseudonym. I'm sure it's too late, but sorry about that.

electronic twister

2007-02-06T12:28:00.000-08:00

The modem-bone is connected to the router-bone. The router-bone is connected to the VoIP-bone...

Back online after our move across county lines. No major injuries or fractured bones to report. We're very excited to be in our new house. The Mrs has shortened her daily commute from two hours to two minutes; the Boys have themselves a sweet-ass playhouse; Fred a huge yard and a doggy door; and this ol' man has himself an office again. Sure the walls are fuchsia, but daddy's just excited to have a space he can call his own.

#1 thing my wife ever said to Jeff Daniels

2007-01-31T19:44:00.000-08:00

"Are you William Hurt or the guy who works across the street at the liquor store?" The Mrs reminded me of her most unfortunate encounter with Jeff Daniels, having had the hairy memory raised by the non-stop run of both Winn Dixie and Arachnophobia on cable over the last 24 hours.

Mr. Daniels, who stopped in for a drink at the bar where the Mrs was then working in Santa Cruz, responded by saying that "No, I'm the guy who died in the first seven minutes of Speed." This was (of course) 1994, when being in Speed was the shit.

While Fly Away Home is a tear-jerker, I'm going to say that my two favorite Daniels films are The Purple Rose of Cairo and Something Wild.

little devil

2007-01-28T20:43:00.000-08:00

Son, did you hide Mommy's wallet? I won't be mad, but before I go digging through our neighbors' dumpster I want you to tell Daddy -- did you put her wallet in the trash?

I can too handle the truth!

dutch lightening

2007-01-25T21:13:00.000-08:00

The crazy part is -- this is the second time I won De Lotto Netherlands this week. You know how many pairs of clogs a guy can buy for 550,000 euros? A lot! I sent them all my personal information as they had requested, along with my bank account and social, so I imagine they'll be wiring the money into my account any time now. You think anyone actually falls for this crap?

six degrees of James Hong

2007-01-20T20:48:00.000-08:00

So Apple now sells movies at the iTunes Store; mostly Classics and Disney flicks for $9.99. I have no interest in watching films on my laptop or iPod, and I'm definitely not smart enough to burn them onto DVD. Still, I find myself clicking through their catalogue as if a $.99 digital copy of Encino Man is going to convince me to change my mind.

Last night I noticed they added Chinatown to their inventory, one of the finest films ever made. I already own it on DVD and LaserDisc, but if any movie deserved a viewing on a ridiculously small screen, this might be it. That said, I resisted the purchase. Instead, I sat at my computer scratching my head for like twenty minutes trying to figure out who in the hell starred in both Chinatown and....The Golden Child?! As The Golden Child is the only film listed under the side-bar-heading "more by these actors." The Golden Child?! I mean if it was my job to list other films which starred the same actors as in Chinatown, I'm putting Easy Rider, Network, Cuckoo's Nest, maybe even The Departed, but...The Golden Child?! I know Jack isn't in The Golden Child? Eddie Murphy in Chinatown? I think not. So I'm starting to think that someone who hasn't seen Chinatown is not only responsible for updating this site, but also is under the impression that the movie is actually about a town where, say, Chinese folk live. That would be iFucked up, right?

Then I remember the gardener, played by a young James Hong. He doesn't exactly star in Chinatown, although his character does reappear in the lesser sequel, The Two Jakes. In Chinatown he's mostly an exotic plot device, there to fish out Hollis Mulwray's broken spectacles from the backyard pond without casting any suspicion on himself. Still, I have to imagine putting "more by these actors" was intended for people to discover other fine performances by the main characters of the film they had just purchased. Wow, Meryl Streep is the fucking bomb in Silkwood! Yo, I gotta get me a copy of She Devil! You get the gist.

It would be hard to imagine watching Chinatown and saying to myself -- I gotta run out and get another James Hong classic. Although, he is pretty funny in The Golden Child. I think he's in Big Trouble in Little China, too. He's pretty much the Chinese Cheech Marin, having played the Asian dude in every movie between 1974-present. I know a lot of actors who would kill for his resume. Still, no diss to Hong, listing him seems a stretch.

As it turns out, Chinatown is the only Jack Nicholson or Faye Dunaway movie in the iTunes catalogue (mind you I'm allergic to research). So while I thought I had made one of those not-so-relevant alarmist revelations (the bold faced kind you can't help but read on Drudge), all I really discovered is that the iTunes collection is piss poor and not yet an alternative format to watching movies. That is unless you're a huge James Hong fan. I just checked out his IMDB page, dude has seriously been in everything. Six Degrees of James Hong. Now there's a game!

eight gauge a-hole

2007-01-18T20:48:00.000-08:00

Listen, Mr. Wild Oats Grocery Bagger, your 8 gauge ear holes are pretty impressive, but don't look at me sideways because I chose plastic over paper. You asked, right? I'd like to see you pick up dog shit using a recycled brown paper bag!

a baker's dozen

2007-01-11T12:04:00.000-08:00

Nothing could be more emblematic of the the turn my life has taken then the presence (or lack there of) of teaspoons in the kitchen drawer. For years I joked that teaspoons were as superfluous as the appendix, overcrowding precious drawer space like drug offenders in county prison, and that having twelve of these G-d forsaken things was absolutely overkill. That was until I became a father. Now my entire day revolves around the sterile presence of these insidious stainless steel devices, and it's the tablespoons, over sized like Claim Jumper baked potatoes, that seem to be taking up all the room.

This morning I ran into the kitchen to get some baby food, only to discover that there was not a single teaspoon left to feed our youngest with. All twelve teaspoons were in the dishwasher. I nearly came unglued. "Why, Lord, why?!" I screamed to the Heavens. "Why have you not bestowed this family with a measly thirteenth teaspoon?!" As you might expect, my lament went unanswered, and I was forced to feed our screaming infant barley and bananas with a fork. Needless to say, neither of us were pleased about it.

9-volt daddy

2007-01-09T21:12:00.000-08:00

I'm not the only dad who takes the 9-volt battery out of the smoke detector to tune his guitar for dar-dar time, am I? I was going to pick up a replacement at Rite-Aid today, but the Little Ones so enjoy watching me wobble atop the rocking chair, I could not disappoint.

backed up and running

2007-01-08T21:18:00.000-08:00

It's been a crazy couple weeks. My "transponder" or something ridiculously named like that went out on my laptop, making it completely impossible to see anything on my screen. Thankfully, the newlyweds over at Mac-Fusion took a break from playing grab-ass to diagnose the problem, send it off to Apple, and talk me down from the ledge. I'm happy to report the computer is fixed and I'm rambling on it to you now.

Besides that - the little one has been up the last few nights teething, our nanny finally admitted she's moving to another state, and I've got this damn polish to finish on the rock-n-roll picture I wrote last year, but every time I sit down to get some work done the wheels come off or a transponder explodes. Still, I'm sticking to my New Year's resolution to keep it more Zen this year. But I swear if another fucking transponder blows, or BCS team I'm rooting for fails to cover, I'm gonna fucking lose it! Om... Om....

exhibit A

2007-01-05T08:36:00.000-08:00

Should there be any doubt left in your minds as to who the father of this child is...

roadkill

2007-01-02T07:48:00.000-08:00

You thought you felt bad on January 1st, try waking up on January 2nd with this haircut. Ouch!! How many times do I have to tell you people?!

father builds best

2007-01-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

I can't speak for all dads, but this one puts the assembly of toys at the top of his list of favorite fatherly duties.

roll myself in a big ball

2006-12-30T11:15:00.000-08:00

Don't be afraid to shed a tear for the Godfather of Soul. Did you know that his hit Funky Drummer has been sampled on over one hundred and eighty rap songs? A true testament to the influence he had, continues to have, on modern music. I bet you them JBs are bumming this weekend. I know I am.

Thanks to my cousin Mark for snapping this shot of the Big One and his ball on Christmas Day. Is it just my family or does everyone have a dozen cousin photographers?

That's Life, James Brown - Live at the Apollo, June 25, 1967 [mp3]

the boy who lived in a cage

2006-12-29T14:42:00.000-08:00

We got the Little Man a bigger crate for Christmas. It's funny, cages are a lot like shoes. The second you buy them new ones, they grow right out of them. Fortunately, his little brother can use it when he gets a little older [disclaimer].

While I usually avoid any picture that might bring Child Protective Services to my door, I couldn't resist this one. Snapped by my cousin Nancy on Christmas Day. Her sister, Julie, which also make her my cousin, brought along her new puppy to the thrill of all the youngins. Well, except mine, who seemed much more interested in the little furry creature's storage container.

Hey, my "friend" wants to know if it's wrong to fantasize about crate training your children?

turquoise boy

2006-12-23T13:50:00.000-08:00

Those of you looking for a last second gift for that angsty teenage family member, I suggest this album. The melancholic -- Turquoise Boy, Sonic Youth [mp3] -- being one of my favorite tunes off the album. Perfect for the kid who hates everything! Warning: black light not included.

any day now

2006-12-22T15:00:00.000-08:00

Seriously, if I don't learn how to focus my camera soon they're going to come and take it away.

macchiatos and miracle whip

2006-12-20T13:42:00.000-08:00

Earlier today I made myself a bologna sandwich and an espresso. Worthy of a blog entry? Probably not on other sites, but most definitely around these parts. That meal is the physical manifestation of what we stand for here at Spit Up and Shut Down. Nothing could illustrate more clearly the shit stained dialectic we proudly wrestle with every day. We like french films, watching Caillou episodes in closed caption, rubbing Orajel on our gums, and try to speak solely in cinematic onomatopoeias. You know - Rififi-Rififi, bark-bark! Even better, I made the sandwich on Ezekiel sprouted wheat, lathered it in Miracle Whip, and to prepare my macchiato, I nuked the dollop of milk in the microwave. You know why? Because that's how we like to roll. Happy Holidays, Mickey-Fickeys!

hookered up

2006-12-19T20:59:00.000-08:00

The Matt Hooker prize painting arrived today. It's seriously even sweeter than I expected. Matt was very generous and paid for the shipping from Boston himself. I asked Matt to send me one of his band's mp3s so I could post it, but he was afraid my audience wouldn't groove with their speed metal sound. Instead he sent me the above video for his 80s cover band, All Fired Up. You remember the 80s, Thumper, don't you? You were like what, thirty back then?

happy baby #1

2006-12-17T13:33:00.000-08:00

Seriously, it's like his formula is loaded with little invisible happy pills.